I haven’t written in the last two days. Not a single (damn) word. I really have no excuse either. I had time, and plenty of it. I just didn’t write. Actually, I take that back. I wrote about twelve words today and I deleted them. Why? Because they sucked. I do not usually have this mindset! And this is killing me! This isn’t me. I can usually push through the bull…and fight my way into a groove but I have zero motivation and will to drive myself, especially tonight.
I know the main part of my issue:
Whenever I am excited about one of my stories, I will often “daydream” about future events to happen and scenes that are already set to happen. I’m happy doing this because it gets my blood pumping for the next time I can sit down and make my way to those particular scenes. In this novel I’ve actually made it to one of those scenes that I’ve been looking forward to. For years. Yes, years! This scene is the major turning point for my main character. She’s about to remember a specific moment in her past that forces her out of her normal way of living and she makes a quick (almost out of character) decision because of that memory, and the result almost ends the life of someone she cares about. (Sorry, that’s a mouth full.) But the reason why I’m stuck here isn’t because I have writer’s block, I know full-well what’s going to happen. My issue is that this scene created the ENTIRE novel. All of my characters, plot twists, settings, etc revolve around me dreaming up this scene a couple of years ago. Being in this position is so incredibly daunting that I’m almost too damn scared to write it.
Usually, I don’t fear drafts. I know that if something I write sounds awful the first time around I can make it pretty later, once the project is finished. I’ve come to scenes (in this novel and other works of mine) that I’ve been looking forward to before and just buckled myself in before smashing on the keyboard. This scene has be choked up and I feel like a little kid refusing to put on their winter coat even though I know it’s good for me! Why am I so f***ing stubborn and frightened right now? I want to rip my hair out over this.
The easy way out would be to just skip ahead… However, I’m stuck on forming my novels in chronological order. Moving onto another scene and coming back to this one would be difficult for me. Especially if my characters need to change in some way. I won’t be able to experience that shift in them, so I would just be assuming. At that point I doubt my characters would be believable, if I don’t know exactly how they’re supposed to react to a situation much farther down the line.
So that taunting cursor blinks at me… I hate it. I know I need to just get over it or else I’ll be stuck just shy of 30,000 words and then August 31st will pass me by without allowing me to claim my win. I have been telling myself to just suck it up! Because that’s the advice I’d give someone else. I would tell them to forget that fear, barrel through that scene, don’t look at that scene when it’s over and just wait to go back to it when editing time comes. Simple advice, no? Yeah, I can spew it but I can’t take it.
This post is a downer I know. I’m not attempting to discourage anyone or even myself, but I figure if I’m here on this blog to post my progress then I shouldn’t neglect the hard times.